Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
