I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
