Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
