if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
