if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
