I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.