doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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