Already got asked if we're dating
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
