found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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