You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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