Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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