So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
