mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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