You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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