We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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