ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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