my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
