I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
