Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
