i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
