WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
