I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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