I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
