i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
