chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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