She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
