need another drink. this is the easiest way
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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