y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
