nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
