I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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