She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Randomize
