11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.