Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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