I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
