I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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