Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
