Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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