Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
