I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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