I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
