it was like his penis was on wheels.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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