Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
