I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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