Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
