this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
