He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The air was thick with penises
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
