I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
