the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
