There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
