I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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