watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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