You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
