his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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