You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
