Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
