i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
