Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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