I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
