new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
