Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
