If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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