Pregnant stripper...not hot.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
