So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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